Humor Posts In Reverse Chronological Order

September 22, 2006

Magic Meat

One context in which it is a bad omen to hear of magic is in the cafeteria in reference to the food. And yet, that is exactly what the chef said when I went to grab the special of the day, a buffalo chicken wrap, that he was going to work some magic. In a restaurant context, that usually means an awesome meal. In the cafeteria, that can mean anything from making something inedible look edible to having food that surprisingly is pretty good.

- Posted by at 8:27 PM

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April 1, 2006

The TAF Bible

Coming soon to a bookstore near you. Some excerpts...

And on the eighth day, God created the theologian. His job was to go about the garden and find profound truths. One day, as he was walking in the garden, he thought he had made a great discovery. He took it to Adam, and when Adam saw it, he called it by its name, b------t.

Now the serpent was concerned that the theologian had been created more cunning than he. So one day, the serpent approached the theologian to tempt him. "Did God say there was any tree you must not eat from?" He asked. "The tree in the middle of the garden, so Adam tells me." "Why listen to him? If God did not tell you himself, surely it must not be wrong." "You have wisdom. I will go and eat of the tree." So the theologian went and ate, and then gave some to Adam. The serpent was then satisfied that he was the most cunning of God's creatures.

When God asked Adam why he had eaten of the fruit, he said to God, "I only ate because the theologian, whom you gave me, gave some to me to eat." "Why did you do such a thing?" God asked him. "I only ate because I didn't hear you say it personally. Why didn't you tell me?" Then God said, "You never asked me."

And the theologian said to the people, come, let us take these simple truths and cram them into books. Then we will stack the books one on top of the other and build a giant tower to heaven. The theologian called the tower the Summa Babelogica. When God saw the tower, his wrath was kindled against the theologian, and he said, "Come, let us go down there and confuse them, that they may not undestand." However, realizing that the theologian was already confused, he confused the speech of the people so that they could not understand him.

And when Moses came down from the mountain, and saw the people worshipping the calf, he threw down the tablets, breaking them. The theologian looked at the broken pieces and said, "The Law has been destroyed! Dance with joy, O Israel!" Incensed, Moses threw the theologian and the calf into the furnace. The theologian was returned unscathed. And God said to Moses, "This one cannot be destroyed by earthly fire." And Moses said, "Have mercy on your people, Lord!" So God remade the tablets that Moses had broken, and said "Amen, amen, I say to you, not one tittle of the law shall he ever be able to change."

When Joshua came to Jericho, he gave a bullhorn to the theologian, telling him to march around the city for seven days, preaching to the people. On the seventh day, the people of the city blew up the walls and ran and slaughtered themselves on the swords of the Israelites, unable to take it anymore.

The disciples asked Jesus why they had not been able to cast out the devil from the theologian. Jesus replied, "this kind can only be driven out by prayer and fasting."

If you come forward to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for the dissident. Set your heart right and do not be hasty in times of screaming. Cleave to the Lord and do not listen to them, that you may be honored at the end of your life. Reject whatever they bring upon you, and in their temper-tantrums be patient. For gold is tested in fire, and acceptable men in the furnace of vitriol. Trust in the Lord and he will help you.

Therefore, you have excuse, o people, whoever you are, because the theologian tells you so. We know that the judgment of God never falls upon those who believe that they are good people, for God will judge everyone according to their self-image.

This is an april fool's joke. Extra points though if you can figure out what TAF means, and what passages have been used for the last 2 entries.

N.B. - All except the last 3 entries were originally composed in January. The entry was never published, but today seems a convenient time to do so.

- Posted by at 1:23 AM

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January 22, 2006

Theologian Humor

This is a spontaneous little project, but I've been having quite a lot of fun with it, and plan on working on it some more this weekend. I've been taking scenes from the Bible, and then parodying them by inserting a theologian into the picture. All of these little rewrites make fun of the theologian based on his profession. Usually, they will read most funny if the theologian is considered to be of the "dissenting" variety. Now, I am of course poking fun at my own course of study, and by extension myself, but laughter is a good medicine, besides a useful way to avoid taking the subject too seriously.

So, what I am looking for is suggestions of Biblical scenes that might plausibly be parodied by sticking a theologian in the mix. These situations should either parallel the text, like this:

And on the eighth day, God created the theologian. His job was to go about the garden and find profound truths. One day, as he was walking in the garden, he thought he had made a great discovery. He took it to Adam, and when Adam saw it, he called it by its name, b------t.

Or rewrite the narrative while achieving roughly the same outcome, like this:

When Joshua came to Jericho, he gave a bullhorn to the theologian, telling him to march around the city for seven days, preaching to the people inside. On the seventh day, the people of the city blew up the walls and ran and slaughtered themselves on the swords of the Israelites, unable to take it anymore.

- Posted by at 4:03 PM

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January 5, 2006

Evil Liturgist Plan Revealed

You have to look carefully for it, but they left a little clue about their nefarious plot in the Liturgy of the Hours. In the Office of Readings for the Tuesday before Epiphany, this little footnote was left behind:

If this day occurs on Sunday, the Te Deum is said.

So that's the scheme! To make Tuesday into Sunday! Watch out for the Easter Tuesday rebellion, coming soon to a "liturgically-correct" parish near you.

- Posted by at 12:18 PM

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December 28, 2005

Jesus Named Worst Person in History

Taking their cue from the group of British historians who drew up a list of the 10 worst Britons of the second millenium in which St. Thomas Becket was featured, sharing company with Jack the Ripper, an international group of historians has drawn up a list of the 10 worst people in history, and Jesus Christ came in at the top.

Asked for comment, a representative of the group, Dr. Ivanna Klue said "When you look at it, nobody has been responsible for more conflict, bitter division, and bloodshed than this man and the religions that he spawned. Even today, the conflict continues, most noticeably in the present war on gays and war on Christmas now being fought."

The top 10 list:

1 - Jesus Christ
2 - George W. Bush
3 - St. Ignatius Loyola
4 - Tomas de Torquemada
5 - Christopher Columbus
6 - Klemens von Metternich
7 - Moses
8 - Constantine
9 - Charles Martel
10 - Ronald Reagan

N.B. - This is a parody. Do not be like the Los Angeles Times and try to pass this off as genuine.

- Posted by at 8:15 PM

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July 6, 2004

Declaration of Independence by Liberals?

Ever wonder what the Declaration of Independence would look like if it were written by modern day liberals? Below is a parody I wrote myself. Black text is in the original document, red text has been excised from the original, and blue text represents insertions.

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind oneself requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths opinions to be self-evident imposed, that all men people are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life Abortion, Sexual Liberty and the pursuit of whatever makes you Happyiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men subjected to the UN, depriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People duty of the UN to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness whatever the UN wants. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments with long established traditions should not must be changed for light and transient causes the cause of Progress; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while traditional and religious evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations by social conservatives, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute religious Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government even if they approve of it, and to provide new Guards for their future security against religion and tradition. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies the ACLU; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former current Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain President of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny of religion over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws our ideas, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his Governors our Judges to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance to us, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend accede to them.
He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts very small groups of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature getting what they want, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative executive bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant hidden from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance subverting Progress with his measures.
He has dissolved Representative Houses undermined the right to choose repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people choice.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected to cooperate with us; whereby the Legislative powers of Progress, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People Judges at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed closed to all the dangers benefits of invasion European thought from without, and convulsions activist groups within.
He has endeavoured to prevent the depopulation of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners Gay Marriage; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations sterilizations hither, and raising opposing the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands sexual license.
He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers as supreme to the legislative powers.
He has made Judges independent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices does not depend on their agreeing with Roe, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and oppose our ideas eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies an occupying force without the Consent of our legislatures the UN.
He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power UN and France.
He has not combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving refusing his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
For Quartering using large bodies of armed troops among us:
For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants Terrorists of these any States:
For cutting off our marijuana Trade with all parts of the world:
For imposing lowering Taxes on us the rich without our Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury legislating by the Judiciary:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried fight wars for pretended offences reasons:
For trying to abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province Massachusetts, establishing therein an Arbitrary Discriminatory government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing denying the same absolute rule into these Colonies of the Judges:
For taking away our Charters freedoms, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments which let us do what we want:
For suspending our own Legislatures Judicial mandates, and declaring themselves Judges not invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated Government here progress, by declaring us out of his Protection touch with the people and waging War against us.
He has plundered our seas the working man, ravaged our Coasts Unions, burnt our towns forests, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners and torturers of their friends and Brethren others, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
He has excited domestic insurrections amongst against us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages rednecks, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions that we have accomplished.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble proud terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince President whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Brittish brethren the UN. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislatures to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement right to choose here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity ignorance and gullibility, and we have conjured them by the ties lies of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations of ours, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence corrupt their social relations. They too have not been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation Sovereignty, and hold them, as we hold the rest of enlightened mankind, Enemies in War when informed, in Peace Friends when cooperative.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America Progress, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world Progress for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good People of these Colonies Progress, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies States are, and of Right ought to be Free Subject and Independent Docile States of the UN; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown Intention of the Founding Fathers and Constitution, and that all political connection between them and the State President of Great Britain the United States, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free Subject and Independent Docile States, they have full no Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence activist mobs, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives Followers, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor wild Determination.

- Posted by at 2:54 AM

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